What Do We Do About Believers Who Have Hurt Us?

 Hey, guys.

This is going to be a different kind of post. Not connected to my Romans series or anything. If anyone reads it, fine. I’m not going to connect it to anything, so it may get lost in the shitty construct of this blog. I just wanted to take a moment and share a bigger hurt that’s been on my mind the past few years, one that’s taught me more than I ever expected.

I don’t really have a structure to this topic, I’m just using that “stream of conscious thought” idea that Ace threw at me on his live yesterday. I’ve always been uncomfortable with this idea, mainly because I want to talk about Christ and I like getting all the little details right. How could I be an effective teacher otherwise? But today, I’m not super focused on “getting every little word right,” because this is admittedly a very relative topic.

When studying Paul’s letters, we’ve read every emotion, from deep happiness, to deep anger, to deep jealousy, to deep care, and most importantly, to deep love. That last one I stress, knowing God is love. It’s hard to put into words the kind of impact this understanding has had on my life, but you all understand that already, because you’re likely in the body if you’re reading this.

Here’s the thing. Back around 11^th or 12^th grade, the doctors diagnosed me with “depression.” I figured this was the case, because, to be blunt, I struggled rolling out of bed and didn’t feel like living on the planet anymore. Even in Christ, I didn’t have much of a drive and had no reason to really continue.

Why was this?

At the time, my family was suffering a pretty painful divorce. I’ll spare you the gossip-y details, because I don’t need to hurt them in writing, nor do I need to trauma dump on all of you. I just want you to know that I’ve learned a thing or two from God in this regard: “pretty painful divorce” is not a filler or placer phrase, and in fact I feel I’m underselling the scenario. It was a good year of watching my family fall apart, my brother spiral, myself spiral, realizing the true nature of your parents, all the fighting and screaming and that fake-positivity bs, all in the middle of the school year (11^th grade, in fact, when the counselors are hounding you to “figure out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life.”)

Clearly, this has caused a few mental hiccups.

By God’s grace, He kept me from following through on any darker thoughts, but it has been miserable. My family, as many of you know, are all believers. My dad showed me the truth, my mother has struggled, but understands, and my brother affirms it to this day as well. And yet, God stretched the four of us thin, turned us upside down, and embedded a deeper level of spiritual hurt into us that, in the relative, we had directly caused to each other.

Now, I’m not saying that this specific event bothers me anymore. I mean, it’s been six years since this has happened. Been a long time. I will think about it from time to time, and I remember the emotion of the situation, and I remember feeling helpless most of all, because it wasn’t my situation, yet I would be dragged into discussions I didn’t want to be a part of. I’m at peace with this chapter of my life, as I believe I’m at peace with all the chapters of my life.

That said, there were succeeding chapters, and post-divorce, other things have happened. I’ve met other believers online. Come to know many of you as close friends. I think of Seth Fahlenkamp, for one. My friend who lives down here, Paolo, is in Christ. More recently, Gabe and a man named Keith, a good brother named Austin came and visited me, and so on. All of these brothers are amazing. I pray for them unintermittingly and have nothing but love for them all. Yes, that same deep love and care that Paul displays in his letters are written in my heart, and are directed at these kind folk.

That being said, there have been believers that I’ve met that have hurt me. Hurt me deeply, in ways I wouldn’t initially expect, considering our charge in Romans 12:16. Observe:

[Be] mutually disposed to one another, not being disposed to that which is high, but being led away to the humble. 

I don’t know about you, personally, whoever reads this, but I take this literally. I take it as literally as can be. I can’t control others’ actions, but I can certainly control my own, and irrespective of how much I’m hurt by another, I am disposed to you all. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing. Something much worse would be happening. God would have a much worse plotline for me. This is His ideal.

Of course, the disposition of love is apparent in you all as well, even the aggressors in Christ. We have different ways of showing it. Oftentimes, one’s love language is simply different from another. Some love through the debates and the verses. Some love through the attention. Some love through physical affection. And they are all endowed with a tie of peace.

Perception is skewered when these languages conflict. It hurts when someone that craves debates is told, “I’m not debating you.” To one, it’s a hostile, derogatory response to something they care about, while to the other, it could just be an attempt to keep their peace. It hurts when someone desires attention, and is told, “I’m busy right now.” To one, it’s a push towards neglect, while the other could just be going through something. It hurts when someone desires a physical touch, and is told, “I’m not interested like that.” To one, it’s a painful reality check that they are unlovable, while the other could simply have another type.

What I’m trying to say is that, whether we like it or not, people in Christ will hurt us. This is just as much God’s design as it is the tie of love. How do I know this? It happens. We’re human. We take issue with honesty, myself included, even in Christ. No flesh is perfect and we’re all stuck in it. But what hurts more about Christ’s body specifically is that we know the other is justified by God – we know that the love of the Creator of the universe is in them. They have probably been hurt in the same way we have, in learning of this love, and yet they hurt you the way they've been hurt. Physically speaking, they have only ever known that behavior, and replicate it, intentionally or not.

This can’t be helped. We’re stuck like this, hurting each other when we get too caught up in our own perceptions. As much as I could say I get hurt by another, you could make the same claim toward me. I may have hurt you with some past rhetoric, and, whether I intended to hurt or not, doesn’t change your perception that it did, as it can and has with my perception.

Of course, this is why Paul entreats us not to be walking by perception, but by faith. 2 Cor. 5:7. Thank you, Paul. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. As a man I am writing this. This leads to the big question, the one I asked in my initial title. What do we do about believers that have hurt us?

The answer: nothing.

Seriously, don’t do anything. There’s no need to "pay them back." The Lord will be paying them what they've earned at the dais, and moreover, their actions will inadvertently bring you into a better understanding of the truth, knowing the Creator of the universe is in them.

Are you allowed to react? Yes! Go be mad. Go display hurt. Go explain yourself, if you feel like it. Go cope; read Scripture, vent to a friend. Display hurt. Don’t hide from it. It won’t do you any good to bury it. Don’t ignore it. It’s just not healthy. Face it. You're a living letter from God, and if you are displaying a hurt, it is rooted in His hurt. If you can, face the person that hurt you. If your situation doesn’t allow it, then find a separate coping mechanism (I suggest reading 2 Corinthians.)

Most importantly, take it to God. Take it to God, in His grace, through Christ, because He listens. He’s the best listener of us all. He hears and hurts with you. He understands your perspective. He made your perspective. He believes your cries (Gen. 20:1-6.) He knows you. And whether or not His ambassadors are properly displaying His love is aside the point, ultimately. He loves. He cares.

Do nothing. It wouldn’t do you any good to lash out. Say your piece, if you must, but don’t act, unless in self-defense. In fact, knowing that the love is in you, I would recommend taking it a step further. Here’s Romans 12:16 in its context:

Let love be unfeigned.

Abhorring that which is wicked, clinging to good, let us have fond affection for one another with brotherly fondness, in honor deeming one another first, in diligence not slothful, fervent in spirit, slaving for the Lord, rejoicing in expectation, enduring affliction, persevering in prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, pursuing hospitality.

Bless those who are persecuting you: bless, and do not curse, so as to be rejoicing with those rejoicing, lamenting with those lamenting, being mutually disposed to one another, not being disposed to that which is high, but being led away to the humble.

There’s more, but I think that suffices. I’m sure we don’t think of our own brothers when we read “those who are persecuting you,” but the unfortunate reality is that sometimes, this is the case. The ones that hurt you the most are the ones closest to you.

Take the high road. Don’t act. Say your piece, bless them, and move on. Do they recognize your disposition? Are they disposed to you as you are disposed to them? Truth is, it’s not your place to know. It’s not your walk, it’s theirs. Be there for them because it’s what your Lord desires, not because you feel a need to prove something, or because they did something you like. When someone sees you blessing those that hurt you? That’s a love worth dwelling on. That’s a love worth thinking about.

I’ve noticed everybody talking about “unity” the past month or so in relation to Scripture. I would entreat you all to stop pushing for unity. Push to study the word first and foremost. When you study the word, you will find that tie of love and peace is in Scripture, not in the person you seek unity with. The unity is effectual, not something we must employ. Rely on unity with a person alone and you will be hurt; not “maybe,” not “possibly,” but you will. Here’s the apostle Paul on romance today, 1 Cor. 7:28:

Yet if you ever should be marrying, also, you did not sin. And if the virgin should be marrying, she did not sin. Yet affliction in the flesh will such be having. Yet I am sparing you.

Sounds like he knew a thing or two. Like he’s the apostle or something. You have one foot in the world when you attach yourself to another. Paul does not ask us to unify in flesh (and I’m using the above verse as an example of this, and it’s not exact, but you get my sentiment,) but to be mutually disposed.

As such, learn from my faults, please. I’ve been hurt by many believers. Deeply. Like, nights-where-I-cry-and-don’t-know-if-I’m-walking-worthily-of-the-calling deeply. Nights where another’s action has made me doubt their allotment, or become depressed concerning my own. My father kicked me out. My ex was a believer. She dumped me. Even now, in my current relationship, I have to take some pretty painful blows and wonder why He places me as the "head" over a relationship and then makes it blow up in my face. Is it just for fun? Does He think it's cute?? It rips me up and when I need Him the most, He seems to vanish like the last fucking airbender, and it's impossible to understand what the hell He is looking for from me.

These experiences have led me to an “I’m not good enough even for another Christ” mentality. It’s broken me in ways that I pray to God you never have to deal with. On top of this depression, it’s one of the most isolating feelings on the planet. I feel like no one can get close to me, like I’m just counting the days until I pass, no one will have heard me shouting the obvious truth in the middle of a crowded room, and no one will realize the love and care that I’ve had for them until the dais.

It’s so easy to hear your flesh crying while present in spirit, and begin to nurture that instead of pay attention to God, Who directly states otherwise in His evangel. By His grace, His words tie me to His reality, His understanding, that I am walking worthily of the calling, by His merit, and not my own. I continue writing and making videos and fellowshipping with you all thanks to His love inherent in me. No part of me could own such an action, having been broken the way that I have. I am truly disposed to you all, having been hurt deeply by my closest family, lovers, and friends in Christ.

I want you all, both those I know and do not know, any I’ve been hurt by, any that I may have inadvertently hurt, to know this: I love you. Love you deeply. I pray unintermittingly for you as I pray for Seth, Gabe, Paolo, Austin, and more. My apartment is small, but if you had nowhere else to go, you would have my bed (air mattress) to rest in. You’d have a friend, a brother to talk to and I would be still and know that I am in the presence of a future celestial. I would not display awe, because I don’t need to create discomfort, but I am in awe. God’s love is manifest in you and I am, as a result, in the presence of a temple of the living God. You would always have a place with me. Reach out. Email, text, Instagram, however you need. I may even be mad at you, because of that hurt. But I am disposed to you, and you do have a brother, by His grace.

Grace and peace.

-      - GerudoKing